So, I had my 34 week check up on Thursday and it looks like this baby is breech. I'm not as freaked out about a c-section as I was with Emily. I guess I now know what to expect and it really wasn't bad. My doctor is great, you can hardly see the scar and I had no complications with the last one. I know that many women have c-sections and they are fine, everything turns out ok. But, I feel so dissapointed. I feel like Heavenly Father gave me this body so that I could give birth like He intended. I have done it before, I should be able to do this. Also, this could quite possibly be the last time I will get to experience child birth and my plan wasn't to experience it in an operating room. I've been researching online different ways to get the baby to turn and it just takes me back to when I was pregnant with Emily. I tried everything, all the techniques that I'm finding again, I tried them with Emily and nothing worked. My only consolation is that with Emily, I didn't find out until I was 37 weeks and there just really wasn't anymore space for her to move. So, hopefully since we are aware of it a few weeks earlier, he will have room to turn. I started seeing a chiropractor, getting massages and acupuncture and I'm going to sit upside down, think thoughts about the baby turning and maybe even take a flashlight to my belly, if I'm feeling really ambitious. Overall, though, I'm praying for a miracle. I know that Heavenly Father wants to grant us the righteous desires of our hearts. I feel like having a VBAC is a righteous desire on my part. For whatever reason this keeps happening to me, I know that Heavenly Father can give me a miracle. I'm only afraid that He won't. That there's probably some lesson here that He wants me to learn that I don't want to learn. I know that it will be ok if I end up having to have another c-section, the baby will get here one way or another and I will be grateful if he is healthy and I'm just grateful for the opportunity to be a mother. I know that anyone who tells me all these things is well intentioned, but it's just not what I want to hear right now. I guess I don't know what I want to hear right now, maybe that my feelings are understandable, that I'm not just a crazy hormonal pregnant lady, but that I am important enough to Heavenly Father for Him to hear my prayers and grant me this little miracle, that may not seem important to anyone else but me. Maybe those feelings just prove that I am a crazy hormonal pregnant lady. Today in sacrament meeting, Bishop Roth spoke and he talked about this stupid palm tree that he planted in his yard. It had been uprooted for a couple of weeks before he planted it and he wasn't sure if it would survive, but it was really important to him. A few weeks after he planted it, he saw little sprigs growing and he felt like Heavenly Father had heard his prayer. When I was listening to this, I couldn't help but think, aren't I as important as a stupid palm tree?
I am going to do my best not to give up hope. I'm going to do everything I can to get this baby in the right position and I'm going to try my best to be ok with whatever outcome there is because I do know that when it's all said and done, having a healthy baby is the most important thing. I am very grateful for the opportunity I had to have such an "easy" labor and delivery with Matthew. Some women never get to experience that. I honestly don't remember a whole lot about it other than how amazing it was to know that my body could do that. It was pretty much the same thing I felt when I reached the finish line at the Gate River Run. I did something that I never thought I could do. Hmmm, maybe that'll be a good consolation prize if I do end up having to have a c, I'll just start running more races...
9 years ago
4 comments:
Oh Sarah! I really don't have any words that will make it all better. I wish I did!
I can tell you all of the pat answers that we tell people that are having trials but that wouldn't make you feel better because it would seem contrived and rhetorical.
I CAN say that you are surrounded by love; from friends, from family and even and most especially Heavenly Father.
We sometimes don't get the reason why things went a certain way until after the fact when we can look back and see the wisdom of it.
I'll give you a 'for instance'.
There is a lady in my ward now who's husband lost his job right around Christmas in 2008. They have 5 kids so it was a hard blow and their youngest was only about 15 months old. After a while, he found another job and life continued on.
She found out that she had breast cancer the summer of 2009 and had to have a double masectomy which led to some complications and infections landing her in the emergency room a few times. Because of her husband's new job, they had better insurance and were better able to pay the hospital bills than they would have had they had the first job.
Of course, they did not see this until after the fact, but you can tell that Heavenly Father definitely had a hand in it.
I wish I could tell you I have the answer, but I don't. :-( Maybe it's not too late and you'll be granted your wish! And if not maybe there is a reason why it's better not to deliver VBAC {like the umbilical cord being wrapped or something else which they couldn't foresee}.
Anyway, hang in there, I know you'll do great whatever happens and pretty soon you'll have a soft, pink bundle of boy to hold! :-) Hope you're feeling better!
I will pray for you!
At least you got to experience one of your children, and hopefully two, being born V delivery. I had C with all of ours'. I felt the same way about wanting to use my body the way it was intended to and have a V delivery. I felt it wasn't a real birth if I didn't go through the pains of labor and pushing etc. I felt less of a woman. I know exactly where you are coming from though non of my were breeched that we found out anyway. I'll pray for you that my nephew will turn and your prayers will be answered if it be Heavenly Father's will. And yes you are just as important as that 'palm tree'. The main thing is that the baby and you are safe during delivery however it comes about.
Isn't it DUMB that the thought of a c-section can feel so defeating, and out of control? I never even thought about it until this pregnancy, and the breech thing happened to me too! My Doctor turned mine head down yesterday- weirdest feeling ever- and in week 37....its CRAZY! Good luck- John thinks your close :) Can't wait to see your new little one!
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